I have fascinating ideas about NSFW YouTube cartoons.

Washington

I have fascinating ideas about the missing Dan Aykroyd impersonator.

I have fascinating ideas about Saul Bass.

I have fascinating ideas about families.

I have fascinating ideas about the greatest remix EVAR

I have fascinating ideas about the War on Christmas

This is a stridently apolitical blog. But the whole "War on Christmas" thing blurs the line between politics and culture, so I consider it fair game. Especially since -- despite prematuredeclarations of victory, I have new information that can aid the forces of faith and belief.

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the face of the leading perpetrator of the secular attack on this most joyous of holidays:


Andy "Moon River" Williams is many things. He is the owner and operator of the Andy Williams Moon River Theater in Branson, Missouri. He is the favorite singer of Nelson Muntz, who witnessed a concert where Williams sang Moon River as the second encore. And he is the voice behind a Christmas album that is a perennial joy, on which he sings my favorite Christmas song that I look forward to every year.

It's a joyful combination of two shorter songs, "Happy Holidays" by Irving Berlin and "The Holiday Season" by Kay Thompson. And in the song, he does not wish us merry Christmas -- but rather, he wishes us the allegedly secular Happy Holidays. About thirty times.

This song might not make Bill O'Reilly happy, but Nelson Muntz is over the moon. The complete lyrics are:

Happy holiday
(happy holiday)
Happy holiday
(happy holiday)
While the merry bells keep ringing
Happy holiday to you
(happy holiday)
(happy holiday)

It's the holiday season
And Santa Claus is coming 'round
The Christmas snow is white on the ground
When old Santa gets into town
He'll be coming up the chimney down
(he'll be coming up the chimney down)

It's the holidays season
And Santa Claus has got a toy
For every good girl and good little boy
Santa's a great big bundle of joy
When he's coming up the chimney down
(when he's coming up the chimney down)

He'll have a big fat pack, upon his back
And lots of goodies for you and for me
So leave a peppermint stick
For Old Saint Nick, hang it on a Christmas tree

It's the holiday season
(the holiday season)
So hoopdidoo and dickoreedock
And don't forget, to hang up your sock
Cause just exactly at twelve o'clock
He'll be coming up the chimney down
(he'll be coming up the chimney down)

He'll have a big fat pack, upon his back
(yeah!)
And lots of goodies for you and for me
So leave a peppermint stick
For Old Saint Nick, hang it on a Christmas tree

It's the holiday season
(the holiday season)
So hoopdidoo and dickoreedock
And don't forget, to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at twelve o'clock
He'll be coming up the chimney, coming up the chimney, coming up the chimney down

(Happy holiday)
Happy holiday
(Happy holiday)
Happy holiday
While the merry bells keep ringing
Happy holiday to you!

Personally, my main issue with the War on Christmas crowd is that forcing us to always say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays seems to give short shrift to New Year's Day. What did New Year's Day ever do to you?

I have fascinating ideas about Yoda.

When they first met, Yoda was debating whether or not to kill Luke Skywalker.

When Luke Skywalker first arrived on Dagobah, Yoda acted the part of a simpleton in an apparent test of character. He demanded a flashlight in return for his help. He made Luke return to his home and eat his crappy food. He tested Luke's patience -- and found Luke's patience wanting.

What would he have done if the disembodied voice of Obi Wan hadn't intervened?

As someone who grew up a die-hard Star Wars fan now living in the post-George Lucas Is Obviously An Idiot (GLIOAI) era, it is tempting to basically throw up one's hands and say, "Who knows what Yoda would have done -- George Lucas is obviously an idiot, so he probably never really thought about that since everything in this stupid universe is obviously a jerry-rigged fabrication held together with spit and duct tape."

And indeed, in some cases this reasoning applies. In the very scene at issue, for example, there is a curious moment where Yoda says that Luke is too old to begin his training. Clearly Luke is just a kid, and clearly Yoda is just searching for an excuse because he fundamentally does not believe Luke will ever make a good Jedi. But this throwaway line (presumably written by Lawrence Kasdan, since it's a telling line of dialogue that you can imagine coming out of the mouth of a real person) was subsequently viciously raped by George Lucas, producing the bastard offspring of the little kid Jedi's in the prequels. This last development we can write off to the fact that GLIOAI.

But the larger issue -- should Yoda begin training Luke? -- is fundamental to the whole structure of the movie, which in and of itself does not suck and can be taken as worth consideration. And it implies the question, what would happen if Yoda did not begin training Luke?

There is only one answer. Luke was potentially the most powerful person in the galaxy, and Yoda was all too aware of the Emperor's ability to turn a naive young man to the Dark Side. There is no way Yoda could let Luke leave Dagobah alive without the Jedi training under his belt to resist temptation. Indeed, even after his training, allowing Luke to leave for Bespin was a calculated risk.

But if Luke had been untrainable -- as Yoda thought before Obi Way intervened on his behalf -- there was only one option: Yoda would have to kill him. Not the most noble thing a Jedi had ever done, but eminently justifiable and indeed the only moral course of action.